i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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