I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
