My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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