My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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