my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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