Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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