I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
