Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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