this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
