you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
