bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
