I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My penis needs a shock collar
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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