I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
