She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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