The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
