still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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