Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
