So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
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