I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
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