By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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