I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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