the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Houston, we have a blender
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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