overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
