Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
