i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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