Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I need moral support for this bender
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
