I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
