On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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