I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I puked a lego.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
