my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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