Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
