i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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