I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
