im drinking this country out of the recession.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize
