what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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