I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
