nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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