I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize