I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
