4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
