Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
