I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
