I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
