I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
