I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize