Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
