if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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