You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
