I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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