so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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