Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
