Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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