official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
