alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I am one with the molecules
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
