Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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