1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
