Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
