we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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