He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
