well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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