I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
