Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
