So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
