I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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