when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
