i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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